holiday shopping sucks

Christmas shopping has always been hard for me. I can never find the “perfect” gift. And this year I’m just completely freakin’ clueless. My family is hard enough to shop for. Mom might be clothes. Dad will probably be electronics. Sister will be happy with anything high-end, which is great for ideas, bad for the wallet. And now I have to add the boyfriend to the list.

So in my search for “perfect” gifts – I thought I would share a few failures. Or some that bomb so hard, they are brilliant. Enjoy!

Breakfast of the Month Club: I’ve heard of fruit and beer – but breakfast is wonderful. Nothing says love like flapjacks. Better than the Beef Jerky of the Month Club. And I’m not kidding - there is such a thing.

Adam and Eve: Add your faces to a picture of Adam and Eve. That sounds romantic. Post it in the living room. But do you really want your parents imagining you and your partner only in a fig leaf?

365 Warm Wishes: It’s a jar filled with little pieces of paper saying things about love, hope and happiness. Awwwwwwww. It’s completely adorable, right? And after your done reading all those messages, you can puke in the jar. It only costs you $30.

Slanket: It’s not an endangered species. It’s a blanket with SLEEVES. You would have to be an evil genius to come up with this. It looks like a fuzzy mu-mu. In light blue. I always complain about being cold, but I’d rather freeze than wear this thing.

Stuffed STD's: STD's shouldn't be cute - it's just wrong.

left field? more like outta the ballpark

A little more than a year ago I broke up with my boyfriend of two years. Don’t cry for me Argentina – you too Paraguay. So in between the break up and the meet up with my current (wonderful) boyfriend, it’s safe to say I “dabbled” in the dating world.

I went on one date with this guy – we’ll call him Jess (because that’s his name) – and he never called me after that one date. It was an okay date – walk around Hoboken in the freezing cold, grab a milkshake, talk about life’s randomness. He impressed me by bringing me flowers and a mini stapler (I was really special). You know, what 14 year-olds dream of for a first date. Without the copious amounts of giggling. At the end of the night we parted with an awkward hug and that was basically the last I heard from him.

That is, until Thursday. He decided to send me an email apologizing for never calling me – and calling himself a jerk. He detailed a list of personal family problems for excuses – and then explains that those aren’t excuses and he should have called me. (To any guys out there – don’t tell a girl your entire life story and then say “but I still had time – I could have called you.” That will just piss us off further. I promise.) He then says, several times, that his lack of communication has bothered him for months and he planned on emailing me much sooner.

And he should have – because I could have reassured him that I didn’t care. Did he think that our one date was groundbreaking, and by him not calling I would throw myself into a deep well of depression? Or that I was sitting at my computer, constantly hitting the refresh button, waiting anxiously for another email? Wondering, “Why didn’t he call? WHAT DID I DO WRONG?!”

Eh. I lived. And what do you even write back to that? “Yeah, um, sorry but – I kind of moved on. Months ago. Pretty much two days later. Sorry you wasted months toiling over whether or not to email me. You shouldn’t worry about stuff like that. Have a great life!”

The only time I remembered him was when that damn stapler broke. I miss that stapler.